Adult Colombian Adoptees -- What they wish their parents knew!

Over the past three years I have participated, mostly as a lurker, on several Colombian Adult Adoptee forums. I was interested to learn from them about their experience in preparation for raising my own little Colombianito. As I read posts, I realized quickly that not every adoptee has the same perspective about their adoption. Feelings ran the gamut from thrilled to horrified. This reflects the feelings also found in domestic adoption. I have read the books, attended the classes, and hope to raise 2 happily adopted kids. But, was I missing something? Something obvious?

One thing that I noticed right away about nearly all the adult adoptees -- whether they were happy or unhappy with their own adoption -- was that all seemed to have one issue that they wish their parents would have known about and addressed. In preparation for writing this blog, I asked several adult adoptees to share their feelings -- the results are found below. Most of the adoptees have asked that their names not be used out of respect for their parents, so out of respect for that request, these comments remain anonymous.

#1 -- From a happily adopted adult:

"I was adopted in 1974...I think my parents were more concerned with my fitting into American culture to avoid my feeling "different," than they were concerned about teaching me Colombian culture. And so basically, my Colombian heritage was erased; except for when my adoption was mentioned in conversation. I was raised to be a proud American...While I know my parents were never ashamed of who I was or where I came from, EVER, I do wish they had made a little more of an effort to make me feel equally as proud to be Colombian. Key word: equally - not more than American, just equally. Perhaps in today's day and age, modern technology has made that idea so much easier to accomplish for adopting parents than it was for my parents. But I still think there were things they could have done. They could have taken pictures of the country while they were there, perhaps brought back souvenirs, exposed me to the food, shown me magazine pictures, ANYTHING.

I grew up not too far from an area in NY where everything Hispanic, (from many different countries,) exists at your fingertips, including Colombia...Yet we never spent any time in this area...not even for an occasional, special Colombian meal. There were Colombian American parades...that we never attended. As I grew up and went out into the real world on my own, I met a good number of Hispanic people who seemed to take offense when I told them I couldn't speak Spanish...as if it was my fault. I even had one woman raise her eyebrows when I told her I was adopted and my parents spoke only English. She was horrified, 'They should have taught you!!!' was her harsh response...even after I just finished telling her they DID NOT speak Spanish. I'm not comfortable venturing into areas such as these even now, because I never know how fellow Hispanics are going to react. I think some people think I'm ashamed of who I am and that I would rather be American, while others seem to feel bad for me...poor little adopted girl. MOST OF THE TIME, however, I am received very lovingly."

#2 -- From another happily adopted adult

"I am so happy to be in my family. I cannot imagine having grown up anywhere else. But, I secretly resent the fact that my parents never talked about Colombia -- except for in reference to picking me up and leaving. It really didn't bother me while growing up, but when I got to college, I realized how much I had missed. I was actually assigned a roommate whose family was from Colombia, though she had been born and raised in the Miami. She was so excited to hear that I was from Colombia too. She was all ready to go dancing with me, but I didn't know anything about Colombia. I barely recognized the flag and often got it confused with Venezuela. I enjoyed learning about my birth country soooo much. It made me feel that there really was a void in my life that needed to be filled."

#3 -- From an unhappily adopted adult

"I am not sure if you really want to hear my opinion because in so many ways I feel that my adoption ruined my life. I don't want to get into particulars, but my life was not the Brady Bunch or Cosby Show. Much of this has to do with my adoptive family's issues, but some of it was also caused by where I grew up. It was a small town in the heartland. I was the ONLY brown person in a VERY white town. It was hard, and whenever I was teased, my parents would just say -- you are just like everybody else. But the fact was, I WASN'T just like everyone else. I often felt that my COLOMBIANESS (if that is really a word) was ignored, overlooked, or simply rejected. I wasn't supposed to think of myself as anything but a white American. When I went away to school, I joined a Latin American Student Organization hoping to find some common ground. I was saddened when I didn't fit in there either. I didn't speak Spanish, I didn't know or understand anything about my birth culture. I was a brown person rejected by a white culture and a white person rejected by a brown culture. I am not sure what might have helped, but I wish my parents had encouraged me to learn Spanish. I wish they would have helped me love and appreciate my brown skin and my wonderful Colombian heritage."

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Now, I know that this is not a scientific poll by any means, just an observation. But, after talking with dozens of adult adoptees, I believe that there is a common theme:

What do adult adoptees wish?

That their parents had made an effort to teach them about Colombia, its culture, and perhaps even its language.