Colombian Culture, Colombia Adoption and Raising Colombian Kids

I wish I could tell you that after you get home that there is no more adoption paperwork! I can't though. Bummer. ICBF requires 4 post-adoption reports after you get home. The first one comes at 3 months. Our agency had us sign a "post-adoption" services agreement and reminded us to make an appt with our parole officer, I mean social worker. I'm just kidding about the parole officer crack, our social worker is really nice. Here's what we did for our first post-adoption visit. First we filled out a form that our agency wanted that detailed a whole lot of info about our son and his and our adjustment. What is he eating etc. etc. We sent that to our agency. Then our social worker came to visit us and asked us all the usual questions you would expect. I actually enjoyed this visit a lot because we had the opportunity to ask for her professional advice and opinions on different topics and tips for attachment. After observing him as he crawled all over my hu...

Can I tell you all how much I love our Ergo carrier? It was a gift from my cousin and has been a huge blessing. Our son loves to be carried and we pack him in it to take long walks all the time. It is a wonderful way to spend timed together and sneak in lots of physical closeness: not always easy to do with a superactive , wiggly toddler! Another thing I used to do a lot was sing a "song" I invented in Bogota to teach him that my name was "Mama". He used to call his foster mom "Tia" so the whole "Mama" concept was new. The song goes like this... Elian y la Mama! Elian y la Ma-ma! Vamos juntos a caminar ! Translation: Elian and Mama. Elian and Mama. We go walking together. I'm sure you can all see my lyrical prowess is astounding! I impressed many a stray Bogotano with my singing skills. In all seriousness though the song was very helpful to teach him his name and my name. He loved to hear the song because it meant we were going out wal...

Our son almost instantaneously lost a lot of the vocabulary he used with his foster family but one word that survived the encuentro was "tete", short for "tetero" or bottle. During our encuentro meeting the ICBF social worker gave me his bottle and said "Do not take this away from him. This bottle is his identity". When your social worker tells you this. Take it seriously! Bottle-feeding is so important! The sucking motion activates the part of the brain that helps children relax. Holding your child while they take a bottle helps them associate you with the relaxed, calming sensation. Eventually you won't need the bottle, your presence alone will make your child feel safe, relaxed and secure. This is why we still give Elian a bottle with no immediate plans to stop. I have known parents who've done this with adopted children who are much older with great success. I know it sounds weird but really, if your child will take a bottle do yours...

Today I'm going to talk about boundaries. Our son is adorable with a capital A so people want to pick him up all the time but we are very strict about not allowing this. Here's why: Our child was young enough to know he had lost his foster mother but not old enough to understand why it happened or who we were. We were very strict about his contact with other people so that he wouldn't wonder whether or not he was going to be passed off again to a new set of parents. In order to help him differentiate between us and other people we set something up that I called "The Inner Circle": a set of boundaries to help teach him the difference between "parents", "close friends" and "acquaintances". It looked something like this: Parents : Change diapers, provide food, pick up and comfort, give baths and bottles at night. Close Friends and Famil y: Can pick him up and hold hands if our son requests. No giving him food. Only applies to people who ...

One of the big jobs of adoption is teaching or in our case re-teaching your child family skills. Our son was about 15 months when we adopted him and he refused to look us in the eyes regularly for a long time. This was really disconcerting. All day long people would fawn over our very adorable son and tell us how much we looked like a family all while he would avoid looking at us as much as possible. There are lots of tricks that you can use to teach eye-contact use but of the easiest for us was the "food between the eyes" trick. We would hold pieces of bread between our eyes so he would have to look at us when he asked for food. Otherwise he would studiously stare at the ceiling for the whole time we fed him. The idea is that doing this helps your child associate your eyes, your face, and you as the person who is now caring for him and providing food. Food=love to people of all ages and it is very important to establish yourself as the food people. Other ways of pract...

Meeting your child is an amazing, wonderous and joyous experience. I have to say that the first day we met Elian exceeded my wildest expectations. It was absolutely beautiful... and then... there was a hard period. Most children who come from Colombia have spent some time with foster families. Many have spent time with families to whom they've become very attached which is a positive and healthy thing. However, this also means that once your child realizes they are not on some kind of extended play date there is a possibility of a mourning period. For us the mourning period meant long days of hysterical, extended tantrums. I don't mean terrible two obstinate tantrums, I mean wildly out of control, scary, heart-breaking tantrums all the time almost the entire six weeks we spent in Bogota. And then some more while we got adjusted back home. It also meant he pretty much refused to eat anything but yogurt and bread the whole time we were in Colombia and then again when we g...

Hi everybody, This is Emily from La NotoriousMLE . If you've been reading awhile you might remember me, my husband and our beautiful little boy Elian from the "One Family's Journey" series. We came back from Bogota on January 30, 2010 and just celebrated our little one's second birthday a few days ago. Over the next week or so I'll be talking about our experiences since returning including challenges we've faced, mistakes we've made (eek) and what we would've done differently. I'll also talk about tips and tricks we've learned from our social worker, books and friends as well as the process for the post-adoption visitations and reports. If you would like me to speak to any specific issues about the "after the adoption" process please leave your request in the comment section and I'll do my best to add a post for your topic.

Our trip to Colombia was an amazing, frustrating and beautiful time in our lives. I'm sure any adopted parent will tell you that they'll never forget their first days getting to know their child and everyday I wake up I still can't believe that we are the parents to this little hurricane! During our time in Bogota, we had many ups and downs and many special moments, but there is one moment that I almost missed: Meeting my son's foster family. Because we sent a relative to our son's independent medical exam we were able to get our son's foster mother's information and the morning we left we called her and asked if we could meet her and her husband to thank them for the love and care they gave him. I won't lie when I say I was somewhat hesitant to do this. What if she was crazy? But I thought, at the very least we must thank them. Our child is the person he is today because of their love and care, it's the least I can do. So we arranged to meet th...

El Dorado Airport can be crazy. CRAZY I tell you. You need to go three hours before you flight. It doesn't always take three hours but many, many times I've gone three hours before my flight and barely made it to the gate on time. This is especially true if you are going on an early morning flight. Here's what you can expect when you leave the country. 1) Bring with you a copy of the Sentencia and the birth certificate. Our facilitator made us a little airport packet. Immigration will ask to look at this, sometimes they keep it! (Yet another reason to get lots of notarized copies of everything). It is their right to do that. 2) There are some weird airport exit taxes in Colombia, sometimes they are included in your ticket, sometimes not. I don't understand the rules and never have, but regardless the airport personnel will help you figure it out. They usually send you to get your passport stamped at this special " Impuestos " window and then someti...

Okay you made it! Time to say goodbye to your Colombian friends and family, eat your last empanadas and wonder if the flight home is going to be smooth or bumpy? We had less then 8 hours from the time we got our visa till the time we got on our flight, but we still managed to do something which I highly suggest to other parents. 1) Get a copy of your child's entire file. This requires you to leave a written request and a notarized copy of your Sentencia with Bienestar. You can do this any time after the Sentencia is final. The file we got contained some very interesting information that was not included in the Referral. I highly suggest it for your child's benefit. When he gets older and starts to ask questions we can tell him "Here it is, we got everything for you." 2) Likewise, you can go to the hospital where your child was born and request a full copy of his medical records . We didn't do this, but I think it would've been a good idea if we had the...

So now you've got Sentencia. You've got your child's Birth Certificate. You've got your child's passport! What's next? Embassy Rounds! 1) First you have to go see an Embassy doctor who will make sure that your child does not have any contagious diseases. This is a public health precaution not an actual doctor's visit, so don't expect your doctor to actually give you any health advice. The guy who saw Elian grumped at us "That kid is active!" My husband said, "Well he's a toddler". Many kids will need some vaccinations which can be given at the same appointment. The doctor will give you a sealed envelope to be taken to the embassy. DO NOT OPEN IT!!! The envelope will say this in big letters, but still it bears repeating. DO NOT OPEN!!!! Okay, I feel better, I've done my duty! 2) When you have gathered the following: A copy of Sentencia Your child's passport The medical results Your child's birth certificate The conform...

After a quick break to catch my breath we're back to tell you the story of our last week in Bogota and all the legal hoops we made it through to come back home! Here's what you can expect to happen when you get SENTENCIA ! 1) Your lawyer will submit your paperwork as I described in my last post. Then you will wait around. This part is exceedingly boring, but after the drama of our last week, I would tell future parents to enjoy the calm because things get WILD the week you leave. 2) Your lawyer will call you and tell you that the judge has signed Sentencia and when you're appointment is to sign the papers. Our lawyer called us on a Monday morning and we went Monday afternoon at 2:30 pm. I have heard that some judges like to meet the families before they sign, but we never saw our judge. 3) You arrive at the court, and in Bogota anyways, it's all extremely disappointing. No judge, a million people looking for who knows what and PILES of paper everywhere. In Colombia, di...

I read every adoption book I could get from our public library before we got our referral. Some were helpful, some were scary and some were just dumb, but there is one book that I read that I really think shines above the rest. It's called "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child" by Patty Cogen. This book is not small but I brought it to Bogota anyways and I'm so glad I did because a lot of the advice was right on. It was helpful to read the book before referral but it is a COMPLETELY different experience to re-read and see Elian exhibiting the same characteristics described in the book. Lots of well meaning people will tell you "All a Child needs is love" but in my opinion that is not true. Any adopted child suffers a severe trauma when they are transferred to their new parents; this book taught me how to help him through the transition. We loved Elian long before we ever saw his face but that doesn't make us his parents in his eyes and I think th...

Remember back when I talked about what we we're going to pack? Seems like so long ago now! Well now that we're here I thought I'd do an update on what was great and what I wished we had or hadn't brought... here goes! Stuff that has been wonderful: 1) The stroller: So wonderful I wrote a whole post touting it's wonders earlier this week. We have a Maclaren and I'm really impressed by how well it handles Colombia's crazy streets. 2) Ergo Carrier: Just SO great! In small towns people will give you weird looks. In Lebrija people kept stopping my husband to ask if the baby was okay. "Can he breathe?" It is worth it though to be able to walk around in places where the crossing the street is problematic i.e. large parts of Colombia 3) Blocks: A friend gave us a case of foam blocks for Elian for Christmas. They are so wonderful for many reasons, including. 1) They are suitable for the bath. 2) They are light and don't add too much weight to the suitc...

Yesterday the Colombian courts finally re-opened after winter recess which means we can now formally submit paperwork to request that our adoption be finalized. We met with our lawyer today (Oscar Abril-comes with great recommendations and was very nice) to finish up our paperwork and get everything started. Here's what we did today: 1) Authenticate documents: Today we headed over to the notary to authenticate the following documents. 1) A request to finalize the adoption 2) Power of Attorney for our Lawyer 3) A letter saying that we legally allow that Elian be taken out of the country by either myself or my husband. (This is only in the case that my husband leaves before me). To authenticate the documents you need 1) The Documents (your lawyer gives these to you) 2) ID's (passports or cedulas) 3) About 14,000 pesos Colombianos 2) Because my husband is Colombian he also gave the lawyer his "pasado judicial" which is the Colombian criminal record clearance. In some cas...

Arnold and I are first time parents so lucky Elian doesn’t just get new parents but he gets some that are learning all the basics. Like, uh, sometimes bottles have a cap on the inside to prevent spills. We’ve been very lucky to have a family friend who used to be a foster mother for ICBF helping us with the technical details and her help was a lifesaver the first few days. In addition, our child obviously lived with a top notch Foster Mother who took very, very, very good care of him so he’s a very-well behaved little boy, you know, for a toddler. Here’s what we learned so far: FoFood : Colombian kids eat most stuff liquefied. Elian has an aversion to anything that isn’t liquefied. Things he likes to eat are “liquefied soup” Granadilla, papilla, which is children’s cream of wheat type cereal, crackers that he can hold himself, yogurt and avena which is an oatmeal type drink. 2) Reality Check : It’s nice to establish good habits in your kids from early on but sometimes you just...

Hi everybody, I'm back from Santander and we're back in Bogota waiting to get a court date for Sentencia. This week I'll be posting updates about what we've learned over the past three weeks and the process of submitting our paperwork to court. When we were packing for Colombia we heard conflicting advice about whether to take a stroller. The short answer to whether we think a stroller is a good idea is a resounding YES! To hear a more detailed why, you can click over to my personal blog at notoriousmle.com. And if you have any questions or particular details you would like to know about, just post them in the comments and I'll do my best to address them!

When we found out that we would be in Colombia over New Year's we originally planned to travel to Lebrija, Santander to spend time with Arnold's family. However after our 2nd day with Elian it became kind of clear to us that it wasn't a good idea. Adoption is a hard transition for a toddler and we didn't want to change his schedules and surroundings so quickly. Also it is INSANELY loud and raucous in sleepy little Lebrija during New Year. At a Christmas Novena Elian covered his ears and sobbed because people were singing too loud which kind of sealed the change in plans. However... celebrating New Years in small town Colombia is superfun. If you ever have a chance, please GO FOR IT! This is what my family does: First I like to sleep as much as I can all day because it's gonna be a long night. Even though it's not New Years yet there will be all sort of festive pre-partying with random fireworks and very loud music. That night you'll get dressed up i...

This morning we went for our “Integracion” meeting. The purpose of this meeting is to meet with the psychologist and talk about how the first week went. This is also the time when you would give your final confirmation that you are 100% sure you would like to complete the adoption. The meeting is very simple; you spend about ½ an hour talking alone with the psychologist. Bienestar claims that this is not a meeting where you are judged, but rather a sort of follow-up visit designed to help you with the transition. I don’t mean to be skeptical of their intentions, but I would assume that this is where Bienestar would intervene if they thought something was amiss with the match. Our meeting was very simple. Since Elian was sleeping through the whole meeting we just talked about how our week went and what we had learned. We talked about what Elian eats, what his favorite things to do are and discussed the emotions we felt. She also asked us about how our week had compared to our ...

Hi everybody, Well I can't believe that not only has our day come but it's almost over! I'm writing this at 9:00 pm Bogota time Tuesday night. This morning we met our son and he is more amazing than we could ever have imagined. For any of you that are waiting for Encuentros I hope this will give you an idea of what to expect. Our day started this morning when we arrived at Bogota ICBF at 8:30 am. It's kind of a weird 70s style building, the kind that quite obviously has been added on to over time. After we checked in we were taken to the Encuentro rooms which are in the back. They are designed for children and painted all sorts of insane colors with Disney murals and what not. I am a bright color person but even for me it was a little much. Here's how it all goes down: 1) The Social Worker and Psychologist come in to talk to you. They review with you the information provided by the foster parent. Our foster mother sent a beautiful photo album with pictures of the ti...