Older Child Adoption -- Parental Perspective

By -
John and Jane are the adoptive parents of a 16 year old Colombian girl. Their situation is unusual only in that they are both in their late 50's, early 60's. Their daughter came to them purely through serendipity three years ago.

Jane has agreed to share their experiences adopting an older child in a series of "stream of consciousness" essays. Check back on this blog to read more about them -- you will find them under the label Older Child Adoption. Now here is Jane's first contribution.


In the summer of 2005, my husband read about Colombian orphans being hosted in our city through the sponsorship of Kidsave International. We had finished raising our two biological children: both were in their early 20's and out of the house. There was something about one of the children that resonated with us, and we quickly found ourselves taking our first steps on the path to adoption of a 13 year old girl, N., who hadn't found a family yet.

Once we met her and she got to spend time with us, it just seemed natural to bring her into our family. Over gelato one afternoon, before she returned to Colombia, N. talked about always wanting a family: she told me in a matter of fact way about an Italian family who had started the adoption process when she was 6, but then decided to "change their minds". I asked her, "Did that bother you?" She just shrugged.

We tearfully told her goodbye at the airport and started the adoption process -- a long, drawn-out ordeal. It became especially annoying as N.'s records were lost somewhere in Bogotá, and the lawyer, who was assigned to us by the adoption agency, failed to expedite our case. Long story short, we fired the lawyer, hired another, spent a long time in Bogotá getting the business of adoption accomplished and finally got to bring our daughter home.

I've been thinking long and hard about what to write. Here's what you first need to know.


The older child isn't going to believe that anyone is going to want him/her.

Why should she? She's been in a foster home or, in the case of our daughter, in an orphanage for 6,7,10, 12 years. It's the ultimate in rejection. So why, why, why would anyone want her NOW? She's been abandoned and rejected: in her own mind she is unlovable. She has a great facade: you wouldn't know that there is zero self-esteem in there unless you delved deeper.
And that's exactly what needs to happen. This is also where the professionals come in.

The first thing we did was to find a bilingual therapist who treats adolescents with abandonment and self-esteem issues. When your older child is asked to list three things about himself that she likes, she won't be able to come up with a single one. But she'll be able to tell you a dozen "bad" things about herself. You will end up blessing your child's therapist. Don't believe that, just because your child is behaving, that she doesn't have these awful feelings about herself. Start the healing process as soon as you can.

Next time:
Observations on the "perfect" adoptive family.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I would first - let her know that her past though painful-is NOT a measure of Her worth- and that God has BIGGER plans for her- than she ever imagined- and that so many people who loved god were rejected... but She is worth more than anything else - because she is a gift from God...
December 11, 2011 at 4:46 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Muisca Indigenous Names, from Hunza (Tunja)

By -
In response to this week’s posts on names, I have received several e-mails asking about the names of famous Colombians and their stories and about Indigenous names. I plan to spend the next three days sharing some of them. Also, I will continue to post more in the future and you will be able to find them all by clicking on the NAMES link the LABELS section to the right of the blog. Name: AQUIMÍN ( pronounced: ah key MEAN) or AQUIMINZAQUE (pronounced: ah key mean ZAH kay) When the Spanish arrived on the plains of Bogotá, 1536, they found a great nation. In fact, it was the third largest group of indigenous inhabitants in America. They called themselves the Muiscas , which meant ‘the people’. Their language was called Chibcha . The Muiscas were not a united group, but rather a collection of city states. The majority of the power was held by two main cities – what today are called Bogotá and Tunja (in Boyacá). These two cities were mortal enemies and each enlisted the loy
Read more

Popular Colombian Names

By -
Recently, I was asked to write a post on Colombian names, and popular Colombian names. I had a hard time finding a list, but eventually I did find one. According to I.N.E. - Instituto Nacional de Estadística, -- unfortunately, when I found this it doesn't say the year -- the most common Colombian boys names across all ages are: 1 JUAN CARLOS 2 CARLOS ALBERTO 3 ALEXANDER 4 ANDRES FELIPE 5 LUIS FERNANDO 6 DIEGO FERNANDO 7 JHON JAIRO 8 CARLOS ANDRES 9 ALEJANDRO 10 JUAN DAVID The girls are: 1 SANDRA MILENA 2 LUZ MARINA 3 CAROLINA 4 PAULA ANDREA 5 CLAUDIA PATRICIA 6 MARIA EUGENIA 7 PAOLA ANDREA 8 DANIELA 9 LILIANA 10 MARTHA CECILIA Just as here, names go through ebb and flow. Fourteen years ago when we were married, I attended several baby baptisms and met numerous friends of my husband. At the time, it seemed like everyone was naming their kid Juan CAMILO (boy) or Maria CAMILA (girl). I met dozens of them. Then, about 7 years later, I heard tons of SANTIAGO, JULIAN, SEBASTIAN and FE
Read more

La Madremonte

By -
Image
The myth of the Madremonte (Mother Mountain), and I do say myth though many campesinos in Colombia believe in her today, has it's roots in the indigenous cultures of Colombia and is known throughout much of Colombia including Antioquia, Caldas, Arauca, Caqueta, Amazonas, Guainia, and perhaps more departments. The Madremonte looks like a large woman. She has large, bony hands, large teeth and Betty Davis Eyes -- which on closer examination glow. Her body is covered in leaves and moss. Her hair is a tangled mess of plants and moss which often covers her face. She lives in the mountains and jungles, (in Antioquia and Caldas she lives in swamps where streams are born. People who claim to have seen her, usually report to have done so near thickets and bushes in jungle like areas. Others report having heard her bloodcurdling screams and groans on stormy nights. She rules the winds, the rains, and all the vegetation, and her role is to protect nature. She punishes those who invad
Read more